Hollywood Five-O - Elvis, Oprah, Star, National Enquirer, Tabloid, Globe, TV Guide

Five-O Rates the Scandal Rags

Oprah maybe rotund, world-famous and rich, but she ain't the King. But The National Enquirer salvages itself on the 25th anniversary of Elvis' "death" with this boss spread – including a trusted insider selling out his precious last memories of the supreme E. Good job, guys! Peanut butter and Percodan for everybody. Three stars.

America's most adulterous crime show host might make for passable reading, but WHERE'S ELVIS, DAMMIT!?! Oh, there he is, inside The Globe in an amazingly morbid double-page spread illustrating the EXACT SPOT the King bit the dust in his throne room. This is tabloid pay dirt, people. Three and a half stars.

Meanwhile at Star magazine, we're at a loss to explain the mysterious absence of a bloated hillbilly dressed as a disco astronaut – or Elvis for that matter. Though we heartily endorse reports of Britney boozing herself into Bellevue, the lack of Elvis coverage makes us TV-shooting MAD! Star, you're officially warned – FOR THE LOVE OF GRACELAND, don't let it happen again. No stars.

August 20th, 2002
Where the hell is Elvis?!?
No issue of any tabloid should EVER hit shelves without Elvis inside. But no Elvis on the 25th anniversary of The End? Star, you call yourself a tabloid — put down the crack pipe and do your job!

Nevermind, we found him – on the cover of TV Guide, along with two of the other greatest entertainment dieties of the last 2,000 years.
L'Chaim, King! Break a leg!